This is how drastic and immediate PMDD takes over. It is not even 24 hours since my last post and I can’t stand the sound of ANY noise. My dogs tongue noises make me want to rip my hair out. I couldn’t get to sleep until 4:30 am when I finally decided to take a CBD:THC pill. Woke up at 7 am, because PMDD says “Fuck how you feel. You’re going to be exhausted? Well, jokes on you because we’re also not going to let you be able to sleep.” I have barely moved today because of how extremely exhausted I am. I spent over 4 hours obssesively searching for an Air BnB that makes no sense for me and my partner to go to next week when his visit is supposed to be for us to chill and be able to be regular humans together. I have a headache and a stomach ache… I could go on but honestly I am so annoyed by myself if you made it this far I am impressed.

What I am most bothered by though is my inability to feel how excited and pumped I know I really am after my post yesterday. PMDD so fucking weird now that I have myself a little bit figured out because it’s not like I can do much to change or reduce my symptoms but I can just logically know how I really feel when not on these hell days. I have decided though that I am going to start being nicer to PMDD Katie in different ways than I have been recently. I mean I am going to continue being softer with myself but I am going to allow myself the ability to do things slowly. So instead of laying and doing nothing except for going over everything in my head critically for hours or days. I am going to start making steps to do tasks in a slow manner.

I am naturally a quick person. I can’t stand slow things. It comes with being a millenial. Slow walkers, slow drivers, slow talkers, BARF. But here I am… not intentionally trying to become one of them to ease my way into being somewhat productive on my hardest days and having graditude for the ability to have the priviledge of moving slow. This is what I am working on, remember, I am by no means perfect at doing this. I literally haven’t even started… well that’s a lie because one of those steps in achieving doing something slow is writing this blog post.

During my meditation this morning I kept hearing the same message over and over again:

“The Universe has given you time to be still. It’s working on big things that take time. Be in the now. You’ll know when the time comes to make moves. You always do.”

Something in me told me that message came from my Papa, which is ironic because that man didn’t know how to keep still even after his foot was amputated. I guess in the afterlife we teach the lessons we never learned.

I wish my Nana and Papa could talk to me and tell me what they think of me now. They died within weeks of each other in 2019, with my Nana passing days before my graduation. I had never had a graduation before. I am grateful they got to witness the beginnings of me changing my life, but what I would have given for them to see me graduate, see me get into Cornell, get my masters, and now live in Cambridge MA with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering. I can only imagine their responses and how we would probably joke about it. Except my Nana, she always knew who I was. Papa would probably have sang “I Did It My Way” to me and then told me the story about when he was in the Navy and couldn’t stand taking orders so he decided to become a doctor so no one could ever tell him what to do again.

I love the puzzle pieces of our family members that are taken and put together to create the people we are. I can see all the little bits I got from each of my grand parents and my parents.

Wow, this post really went for a ride didn’t it. I gotta get out of here, I could go on all day.